lds divorce support
Dating and New Relationships-
It's not all it's cracked up to be; take precautions!
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you
know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its
work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
Please take precautions in new relationships and NEVER introduce your children to someone you are dating until you know they are the person you are going to be with for a very long time. They don't need to attach and unattach to all the people you are dating. It is not fair to them and it is an emotional roller coaster. Consider them in your decision to date.
Stats - 95% of you will be married again - But 76% (3/4) second marriages end in divorce, 87% of third marriages fail and 9 out of 10 fourth marriages fail.
- Going too soon into a new relationship is the biggest mistake.
- To use a relationship as medication is a big mistake.
Children brought into a blended family is another huge stress on the family unit.
- Two single parents working together is hard enough and then adding to that a blended family can be difficult.
- Reality is shocking - even if you are the best mother and daughter - when you bring a man into the equation the daughter will struggle.
- Combustion - in a blended family there is everything you need for an explosion
- You must be humble and a servant to make it work
- Violence, Pornography and Abuse are becoming too prevalent . Also, the incidence of stepchildren being abused is becoming too frequent.
We want to help you avoid becoming a statistic.
How do you know when you are ready and what to do when you are?
- Disillusionment - you think that person is so much better than what you had before that it can hide their imperfections until you are married and it starts to come out as the fire of love subsides and reality comes in. Remember love is action. Another illusion is that another person can make you happy. One man thought that he could find fulfillment through a great Christian woman. We can only make ourselves happy. We will not be able to find happiness through someone else. I need someone to love me. I need someone to be passionate with; I need someone that will make me feel good. I can't make it anymore on my own. These are all unhealthy reasons to get into a new relationship.
- General statistic - Wait a while. How long depends on circumstance. You are not going to like the answer - One year of healing for every 4 years of marriage - is a suggested time frame to heal and be ready. Everyone heals at different rates. But generally you need to take time. Heal and recover, love yourself and acknowledge your self worth. Great tendency is to say this doesn't apply to me - I am okay. I am ready. Consequences are devastating. The hurt gets worse. Essential to regroup and reheal - if you break your arm - you have to let it heal and not use it even if it feels better you nurse it bade to health. The same with your marriage and your heart.
There is already insecurity from the loss of your 1st marriage.
- Are my periods of depression fewer and further apart? This is a sign of healing.
- Have you overcome any tendency to look for nurturing or rescue? Woman said "It was my greatest hope that someone would come and rescue me and make it better." Gravitate to people who needed her - she wanted to feel needed. She needed affirmation.
- Your response to loneliness - Can you live alone and not be lonely? Get to know yourself -learn new things - find out what you are made of - be content with your present state. Don't step into anything too soon.
- How you approach problems? Do you over-react? Do you take it from a problem solving attitude?
- Have you identified your personal weaknesses and are you doing something about them? One woman said the new guy she was dating started becoming just like the guy she had divorced and that is what made her realize she wasn't ready yet. Your new relationship is only as good as what you bring to it.
- How do you approach the adversity you have been through? Are you thankful for the lessons you've learned? Are you willing to be accountable to other people before you enter a dating relationship? Need friends, trustworthy friends to counsel with. Understand what has happened to you.
- What are your feelings toward your ex-spouse? Are you hoping to reconcile or get back together? Some people still feel married. They still feel like they are cheating on them. You can no longer fantasize about your former spouse. If you are still entertaining it, then you are not ready.
- Remember: If reconciliation is possible - dating another person is completely inappropriate - no third parties! (Those who are separated - don't date!) Don't involve any other person - no calling, dating, writing, flirting, etc. It will also cause the third party pain if you do get back with your ex. If you are ready for reconciliation, but your ex is not, would it be wise to just play the field and wait.
- Casual relationships - NO WAY! Best setting is a support group. It will help to have friends of both sexes, but don't try to date around or spend time alone. Humans are by nature sexual and romantic. Validation, someone talks softly to you, people showing kindness - we have little control over feelings drifting to romance - stay away from it.
- Dating - some people don't know they are doing it - definition: any environment in which two people set and log time alone together and either transmit or receive emotional or relational energy from one another. Stop and say no. I have to stabilize who I am. I have to be friends before I can move on. Listen to God. Another person cannot fix you only He can.
- Is your divorce final? in the eyes of the state or God are you single? What are you the day before you get divorce? MARRIED! No dating at all until the divorce is final. There is wisdom in giving yourself time to heal after the divorce. What about the feelings of your kids? Your kids may think you won't come back. One parent did and now you might too. You have to be diligent, focused, etc. It's easy to loose that focus.
Have you developed a personal code of ethics - sexual- Sex is reserved for marriage! No petting, no fondling. That may be different, but you are different! Sex in marriage is wonderful, but when you do it out of marriage it is a disaster!
- How well do you know the character qualities of the person you are dating? You don't have to settle. Spiritual, your children, where is God in their life? Don't just talk to anybody because you are lonely.
- Could you be happy and successful even if you never had another relationship? It's a scary thought, but you need to understand that you are here to glorify God. Center your life on Christ. If you feel like you have to get married in order to be happy than the approval of the opposite sex will always control your self-esteem. Your purpose is to glorify and serve God in your purpose here on earth. Will you be more effective in the service of him? Be satisfied that God knows what you need and who you are. Maybe that it is God's gift to you to not entangle you in something else. What is your relationship with God? You don't need another half - God is enough. Don't enter a relationshiop out of neediness or pitifulness. Recognize God's unconditional love. When someone does come along it is just a sweet addition to life. It's not a necessity just a sweet addition to the journey you are on.